Sunday, 03 February 2013
It ticks me off whenever someone points out that the way I see the world isn't so accurate. I was especially annoyed tonight because I realized that while I would drop everything and run to the end of the earth if my friends needed me to, they wouldn't have the same drive to do the same for me.
It is sort of my fault for assuming that everyone operates the same way. I know that I am a people pleaser, to a fault. It has happened so many times that sometimes I don't even realize I keep doing it again and again. And then I somehow feel bad when other people can't do something simple when I ask for their help. The degree of annoyance is a result of learning this from my closest friends tonight.
I mean, when there's a chance to get together, they'll usually easily convince me. I'd even commute all the way just to see them for a bit. I like spending time with them, even if it sometimes means going out of my way or travelling for two hours just to do that. The awful thing is that I make that choice :/ and most of the time, I don't regret it at all.
But then when I ask them for small favors or to meet up, it's usually treated lightly and not given importance. Considering situations wherein them saying yes doesn't inconvenience them. Getting a text saying they have better "priorities"? Okay, i can get that. Everyone has priorities. But then telling me suddenly that they were picking me up at the last minute with "no arguments" (asking me to ditch my friend who I had hung out with instead), and telling me they had arrived (didn't reply when I asked where they were within the venue). Then telling me (half an hour of me wondering if they were really there or not) when I called them that they were already just about to leave. Even after seeing me. So they saw me.
I don't get it. Maybe if they said they had left because they couldn't find me, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But to hear them just laugh when i asked why they didn't just meet up if they had already seen me anyway. Gah. Such a small incident but it just annoyed me that they spent the entire night telling me that they had no intention or interest of going to the show I was at. Then actually going there at the very end (which was all I had been hoping for that night) and not replying when i had asked where they were so I could go to them. Then hearing their laughter on the phone when They told me they were already leaving even though they had seen me.
I know, this sounds really trivial. But if they had asked me to do something or go somewhere for them, they know I'd do it. It just sucks that when I ask the same, it just becomes a joke.
I have to develop a more realistic perspective of the world and learn that sometimes, people just don't give a fuck if you're nice to them or not, because half the time, they probably don't even notice when you've run a mile for them when they'd walk an inch for you.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
That moment when you feel like you're falling. Again.
When it rains this much, my thoughts start rearranging themselves in such a way that my priorities become mixed, and no matter how much I avoid it, I end up thinking of relationships, and my lack thereof.
This blog is mostly about that anyway, but only because I end up having to type out how I feel whenever I feel the worst or best. And in most cases, that is always related to being (or not being) with someone. Come to think of it, with EVERYTHING going on in my life -- academics, friends, family, work -- it is with relationships that I always find myself having to blog. Just like physics, it is where I am most affected, my maxima and minima, and moment of vulnerability.
The weather makes me want to lie in bed all day and cuddle with someone. The weekend rains remind me of a lack of companionship, which I know I don't need, but maybe, as a regular human being, I really want. It doesn't necessarily mean I am ready, or I ever will be, but I do know that having the good kind of partner, without any of the drama, is something that makes living a lot more significant.
Now, my history hasn't been promising. The most solid and grounded relationship I had was with my first boyfriend (and still very good friend) lasted close to five years, because it came natural to the both of us (I guess) to be compatible as companions. When we decided that we were better as good friends than partners (so true), it hurt to have to let go, but I survived. He has long since been a good person to talk to about everything, despite the fact that I see him about once a year or even less. We were good friends to begin with, which I think helped out a lot.
After that, I had a relationship with someone from my college, which lasted about two years. It was whirlwind, the kind of love story you read or watch about, with all the passion, angst and drama. Completely different to what I was used to. I drank up all the romance, I drowned in the unstable fluctuations of emotions, and rode it for the rest of the way, until at the very end, it really was bad for the both of us in the long run. I neglected my academics (and I'm definitely paying for that NOW). I lost touch with friends and family, and worst of all, with myself. When he asked to end it (for different reasons than mine), I realized it was a good thing.
And honestly, I'm still recovering from that, mentally and psychologically, because losing yourself is very hard, and even more so to try and find yourself again.
Enter the demigod whom I shall refer to as Luke Castellan, who most graciously spent a while being close to the kind of partner I would have liked. Obviously, it wasn't something that could last, because it was something we couldn't begin in the first place. With all the complications, it was still a possibility, but the outcome of it...
Well, it just reinforces my personal vendetta, even though I know i shouldn't think of it that way, that no person has wanted to stay with me. For different reasons of course, but at the end of the day, they just aren't there. And even when they remind me that I'd be a great partner to have (and they say this after being with me, which is weird in itself), they just don't.
Perhaps the experience with Luke was the final straw. But still. I could have avoided it, just not involved myself, could have just walked away from it, but it was my nature to give it a try. I don't regret it, but it hangs over my head now, subtle reminders that "I lost" a contest or something (even though it isn't true, but that's how I feel hahaha). I wouldn't have wanted the price in the long run, but it was a good "in the present" experience.
Now moving on to current events. For the past year I've been having my share of weak moments.
Telling myself not to fall in the same pit, not to act like a dumb damsel, not to forget that I've been hurt before and I'd really like to hurt LESS this time around, thank you very much.
That moment when, at first glance, you decide that it's not something worth playing around the Fates with. Not something you'd give a second thought. When you end up reminding yourself of many many many reasons why it isn't good for you, and the many many many reasons why it JUST WONT WORK (all in your mind).
And then you get those inopportune, stolen and unexpected moments that go against what you had assumed. Moments wherein you spend time together and realize that it could work, but alas! It seems out of the question, because of the fuzzy nature of things
It's like Calypso all over again.. Falling for someone that you try your best not to fall for. Keeping a wall between you just for you to see it crumbling down. Putting up a shield because you know you can hurt yourself but can't help it.
Knowing it's in the back of your mind, and you're just putting up with the impulse to jump the gun and go for it already. That feeling of butterflies when you meet, and relief when you don't. That strong and crazy urge to give it a try even though you know you could crash and burn. That raw instinct that says, take a chance.
Friday, 23 March 2012
So odd that after nearly two years since "that day", it still manages to give me a dull ache in the heart.
After everything I've done to keep level-headed and reasonable and logical (despite many failed attempts), 'it' still manages to pain me so masochistically that I don't even surprise myself anymore, knowing I myself am providing the source of hurt. Unnecessarily, too!
Cease and desist! The winner is obvious. I know I was never fit to fight, but now I know that my place has always been to secede from the battle, to ignore the raw pinings within me, the part of me that tells me to go after what I desire. No, it's time to know my position and accept that I was never ahead of the game to begin with. It was only an illusion, a quick dream, a liquid reality with no tangible form. It was all in my head.
And I should let it go now. As I should have two years ago. As I should have prevented it from getting a hold on me in the first place.
Wednesday, 07 March 2012
The last few days, I underwent a weird on-off relationship with stress. I had (and still have) a lot to do for my classes, much work to keep up on and basically all the stress that goes with having less than a month left to make the grade.
And I'm so afraid that I won't. Again.
I barely recognize myself anymore. I used to like studying and being proud of my grades. Why can't I seem to go back to that? I go to class, I take notes, I listen to what the professor says, but at the end of the day, I can't remember half of what I heard or wrote, I can't remember any important dates mentioned, and I can't seem to be on top of things like I used to. I'm always buried under something! And I can't seem to get rid of it even though I know it's in my power.
Because I feel like I'm powerless.
I am a former perfectionist apple polisher honor student. Yeah, that's what I used to be. I was in math competitions, and I enjoyed it. Fast forward to now. I am a college student on the brink of constant failure, surrounded by people who "took it easy" but are now being successful while she struggles to maintain a passing grade and not lose her scholarship that has her on probation. Because she has failed math. Like three times. And physics. Three times. The math genius, unable to pass her math classes. The irony.
My ten year old self would have thought I was crazy if I told her I'd failed so many times already. The shame.
I am so ashamed. And no matter how much I try, I just end up burying myself deeper, so deep that I can't breathe from all the weight I've given myself and I just want to die.
Today was my limit. I spent all night working on a group project that I just had to put together for an oral presentation the next day (today). When I was done, I emailed it to my groupmates to make sure they had a copy, because most of my mail never reaches the intended (and people assume that I lie about that too, which I forgive them for but still hurts). Lo an behold, it wouldn't attach, and when I tried opening the file, it was corrupted. So all my hardwork gone just like that.
I could have left to meet my group (2 hours travel time) and shown up with no presentation and nothing to show for the work I'd done. In hindsight, I could have done that, and myabe they would have hated me, or thought that I didn't do my work, but at least I'd be there with them.
But I wasn't. I went ahead and redid everything I'd done so the group could have the presentation with them in time for class. In my logic, I just wanted THEM to be alright and prepared even though I'd probably fail because I wasn't there. but my conscience was in the presentation itself. So... I redid it, and it still wouldn't send. I transferred to higher speed internet but still nothing. I texted/emailed my professor explaining that my group might have technical difficulties and it was because of ME, not THEM. MEEE. I wanted that clear.But I still couldn't send the presentation. So my groupmates had nothing.
And apparently the professor wasted no time in getting furious at them. Because of ME. And my groupmates messaged me, a particular one I'd been friendly with, went ahead and told me how unprofessional I was and how I've done this before in another class (I don't recall how or why..) and that I am just always full of excuses and that I just keep ruining an already tainted reputation, etc. And basically I ended up crying because it felt so bad to hear it from someone.
I've already got a bad enough sense of self esteem, so hearing it from someone straight out... wow... So do I really a bad reputation? Was it a reputation that only picked up in my "dark days" with someone, or was it mine entirely?? Have I been making things hard for others while I thought I was helping them?? I admit (in my dark days) I barely had any attention for classes because I was so distracted, but this time, I can't help but feel so sad at where my 'reputation' has ended up.
Even if I told the reason (this has happened so many times. Really. Technical difficulties. All the freaking time. Even if I plan ahead. It just happens.) no one would want to be groupmates with me. I'll just end up being alone as always. Already I feel lost, like I don't know anyone from my year anymore. Like I have some sort of leprosy that everyone jsut ignores politely but doesn't entertain.
How do I make up for it??? How do I tell people that I failed my classes because I didn't know what the hell was going on at the time. How do I tell them that I do my best to keep notes and attend class? How do I tell them that I've missed major exams because I got stuck in traffic? How do I tell them that I feel like the stupidest person when talk turns to math or physics??? How do I tell them that I already feel so damn useless and unreliable?
How do I tell them that when I'm in a group, I don't PURPOSEFULLY will soemthing wrong to happen. Coz when I think about that whole 'rep' thing, I jsut feel so shameful that I don't have a face to show for anymore.
After days of no sleep... I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. It doesn't even scare me that I say that with such conviction because I mean it. My life right now is not what I had planned. Where I am now is somewhere I promised myself I'd never be. I hate who I've become. I want it all to end. Just like that. No regrets, because I don't have much to lose.
I have literally dishonored my family consistently by being where I am now. Who wants a failing kid? I don't even have a boyfriend, because apparently I'm worth leaving twice. I don't have close friends I can tell this to because I've grown so apart from them and of course they'd be iffy about hanging around with someone whose life has lost its direction.
I'm not whining about how my life sucks. I'm whining about how stupid I've been that I ended up this way. It's like I never got anything that I had planned. I remember telling myself how college would be great, with good grades and good friends and good memories. Now college was basically the worst part of my life so far, and it is shaping me in ways that make people think I'm THIS. Like I've always been like THIS.
No one can trust me anymore. I can't even trust myself.
I just want it all to end with one blink. So easy to do it too. Just one second. No more of this. Just nothingness.
Sunday, 04 December 2011
And so here I am, typing with nary an idea of where to begin haha. Perhaps if I followed a to-do list format?
When classes began in November, I was way in over my head and trying to catch up with everything that had been going wrong.. But at the moment, I'm glad to say that I am generally on top of my work load. I am starting to "re-learn" my old habits from Middle School, those times when I didn't have to be reminded to do my work early. When I think about it, I enjoyed those times because I had so much of my life left to doing the things I loved -- hang out with my friends, read books from the library, and do all this random shit like play-sword-fighting with my classmates and wall-climbing for three hours each day, and all the random stuff I did by myself like painting and arts and crafts.... I haven't done any of that decently in the last years! Last week, I kept myself mostly ahead with ongoing projects and that bought me more than enough time to chill towards the weekend. Such a relief! Two weeks left till winter break begins, so hopefully I don't slack off by then ;)
What social life? Haha! Well, I'm also trying to be back to hanging out with people again. Some (if not all) of my friends from school have been kind enough to just joke around about my "absence" in the last two years. Seriously, every single person I ran into this semester commented on how they'd never seen or heard from me in so long. Which is, of course, the sad truth :) They knew the reason, (or at least most of them knew it enough not to start "talking seriously" about it hahaha).
Thankfully, a handful of them made it a point to try to re-integrate me into the world of people! :) So in the last month I've actually made a few new friends from different circles who are really nice and fun to hang out with. I do feel somewhat awkward sometimes, because I feel so out of touch with the "real world" haha! I've also met up with several friends over a quick meal, just to catch up. Sadly, my mom thinks I'm "whoring" myself out because most of my friends happen to be male, but oh well, I think it's funny :) I'm still having problems with breaking certain commitments when plans overlap, because I am by nature a guilty person (haha), but I think I've been better at taking rain checks within reason :)
Oh my gods, can I just state how challenging it has been not to be able to check on my Facebook regularly! Not because of the posts of other people, but because professors and school organizations depend on Facebook notices to disseminate information.... most of which doesn't reach me in time because I HAVE NO INTERNET. Ahh, First world problems..
Generally though, I do miss updating my status and ranting and reposting.
People give me funny looks when they find out I've been single for about 8 months. Is it that hard to be single?? Haha. Sometimes I find it funny. Other times I find that I question myself and wonder if their discomfort/disbelief are indications that there's something wrong with me :P
Perhaps they expect that after having a guy break up with me twice in two years (and on the same date, I realized recently hahaha!) that I'd be crazy-dating random people and getting rebounds and shit. But I dunno, I did the exact opposite and just tried to focus on myself again, which I hadn't been able to do at all. A couple friends have "offered" to set me up or "introduce" me to "friends of theirs" but really, I'm not that interested. I do have a lot of reasons why, but mostly it is because it isn't a priority right now. I'm sooo not ready to dive into a relationship, what with all the trust issues and general mistrust of the concept of love.
By the way, contrary to what most people might believe, I do NOT go out with guys when I know they have intentions. I only go out on "dates" (non-romantic!!) with guy friends I know or have known for a long time. I'm the kind of girl that like going out for coffee, lunch or dinner just to hang out and catch up. If I know a guy has intentions of asking me out, I don't entertain them. I hate it when guys do that, to be honest.
Does my single status make me feel lonely? Sometimes, yes. Especially with certain complications I've had to go through recently.. but that's another topic. Haha! I find it interesting that some people go crazy looking for their one and only, and getting burnt in the process because they keep finding the wrong type of person.. and here I am, knowing what I want/need, knowing where to find it, but unable to pursue it, and therefore still single. It's almost laughable! :P Especially when at the end of the day, I keep thinking which side would hurt less..
So I recently discovered my new top-secret holy grail in beauty, and no, I'm not posting it here because it is top-secret for a reason :) But OH MY GODS, I absolutely LOVE how my skin has been going back to its previous radiant and un-acne'd state! I've also been trying to get back to my former fit shape (oh, high school body, where art thou? :D) and since I have a couple bellydance performances in the next two weeks, I've decided to go back to my semi-active lifestyle (I used to run every other day, what happened??)
I miss those days when I didn't worry at all what my body looked like, even with no-back tops and skin-tight anything. Now I'm taking this [last] chance to go back to that haha. I want to be able to just move around and do anything without caring about whether my legs are jiggling or my arms are like jell-O and stuff like that. I miss the feeling of being healthy and fit and ready for anything!!
I haven't even done the bellydance training and conditioning. Nor have I started my Kali training, or even continued my MMA training in sooo long.. But I am NOW, so hopefully I'll get back my "I don't care" body again! :)
I can't believe it's been another year. I can barely remember ANYTHING from my soph to junior years... which I kind of regret academically.. but I have no choice and I have to start paving a much more desperate road for me so I can still achieve my goals despite "going astray" for a couple years.. New year, I'm looking forward to seeing you.
On an amusing note... If I make it to the summer of 2012.. it will have been two years since.... WOW. Haha.
Over and out! :)