That moment when you feel like you're falling. Again.

When it rains this much, my thoughts start rearranging themselves in such a way that my priorities become mixed, and no matter how much I avoid it, I end up thinking of relationships, and my lack thereof.

This blog is mostly about that anyway, but only because I end up having to type out how I feel whenever I feel the worst or best. And in most cases, that is always related to being (or not being) with someone. Come to think of it, with EVERYTHING going on in my life -- academics, friends, family, work -- it is with relationships that I always find myself having to blog. Just like physics, it is where I am most affected, my maxima and minima, and moment of vulnerability.

The weather makes me want to lie in bed all day and cuddle with someone. The weekend rains remind me of a lack of companionship, which I know I don't need, but maybe, as a regular human being, I really want. It doesn't necessarily mean I am ready, or I ever will be, but I do know that having the good kind of partner, without any of the drama, is something that makes living a lot more significant.

Now, my history hasn't been promising. The most solid and grounded relationship I had was with my first boyfriend (and still very good friend) lasted close to five years, because it came natural to the both of us (I guess) to be compatible as companions. When we decided that we were better as good friends than partners (so true), it hurt to have to let go, but I survived. He has long since been a good person to talk to about everything, despite the fact that I see him about once a year or even less. We were good friends to begin with, which I think helped out a lot.

After that, I had a relationship with someone from my college, which lasted about two years. It was whirlwind, the kind of love story you read or watch about, with all the passion, angst and drama. Completely different to what I was used to. I drank up all the romance, I drowned in the unstable fluctuations of emotions, and rode it for the rest of the way, until at the very end, it really was bad for the both of us in the long run. I neglected my academics (and I'm definitely paying for that NOW). I lost touch with friends and family, and worst of all, with myself. When he asked to end it (for different reasons than mine), I realized it was a good thing.

And honestly, I'm still recovering from that, mentally and psychologically, because losing yourself is very hard, and even more so to try and find yourself again.

Enter the demigod whom I shall refer to as Luke Castellan, who most graciously spent a while being close to the kind of partner I would have liked. Obviously, it wasn't something that could last, because it was something we couldn't begin in the first place. With all the complications, it was still a possibility, but the outcome of it...

Well, it just reinforces my personal vendetta, even though I know i shouldn't think of it that way, that no person has wanted to stay with me. For different reasons of course, but at the end of the day, they just aren't there. And even when they remind me that I'd be a great partner to have (and they say this after being with me, which is weird in itself), they just don't.

Perhaps the experience with Luke was the final straw. But still. I could have avoided it, just not involved myself, could have just walked away from it, but it was my nature to give it a try. I don't regret it, but it hangs over my head now, subtle reminders that "I lost" a contest or something (even though it isn't true, but that's how I feel hahaha). I wouldn't have wanted the price in the long run, but it was a good "in the present" experience.

Now moving on to current events. For the past year I've been having my share of weak moments.

Telling myself not to fall in the same pit, not to act like a dumb damsel, not to forget that I've been hurt before and I'd really like to hurt LESS this time around, thank you very much.

That moment when, at first glance, you decide that it's not something worth playing around the Fates with. Not something you'd give a second thought. When you end up reminding yourself of many many many reasons why it isn't good for you, and the many many many reasons why it JUST WONT WORK (all in your mind).

And then you get those inopportune, stolen and unexpected moments that go against what you had assumed. Moments wherein you spend time together and realize that it could work, but alas! It seems out of the question, because of the fuzzy nature of things
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It's like Calypso all over again.. Falling for someone that you try your best not to fall for. Keeping a wall between you just for you to see it crumbling down. Putting up a shield because you know you can hurt yourself but can't help it.

Knowing it's in the back of your mind, and you're just putting up with the impulse to jump the gun and go for it already. That feeling of butterflies when you meet, and relief when you don't. That strong and crazy urge to give it a try even though you know you could crash and burn. That raw instinct that says, take a chance.

The last few days, I underwent a weird on-off relationship with stress. I had (and still have) a lot to do for my classes, much work to keep up on and basically all the stress that goes with having less than a month left to make the grade.

And I'm so afraid that I won't. Again.

I barely recognize myself anymore. I used to like studying and being proud of my grades. Why can't I seem to go back to that? I go to class, I take notes, I listen to what the professor says, but at the end of the day, I can't remember half of what I heard or wrote, I can't remember any important dates mentioned, and I can't seem to be on top of things like I used to. I'm always buried under something! And I can't seem to get rid of it even though I know it's in my power.

Because I feel like I'm powerless.

I am a former perfectionist apple polisher honor student. Yeah, that's what I used to be. I was in math competitions, and I enjoyed it. Fast forward to now. I am a college student on the brink of constant failure, surrounded by people who "took it easy" but are now being successful while she struggles to maintain a passing grade and not lose her scholarship that has her on probation. Because she has failed math. Like three times. And physics. Three times. The math genius, unable to pass her math classes. The irony.

My ten year old self would have thought I was crazy if I told her I'd failed so many times already. The shame.

I am so ashamed. And no matter how much I try, I just end up burying myself deeper, so deep that I can't breathe from all the weight I've given myself and I just want to die.

Today was my limit. I spent all night working on a group project that I just had to put together for an oral presentation the next day (today). When I was done, I emailed it to my groupmates to make sure they had a copy, because most of my mail never reaches the intended (and people assume that I lie about that too, which I forgive them for but still hurts). Lo an behold, it wouldn't attach, and when I tried opening the file, it was corrupted. So all my hardwork gone just like that.

I could have left to meet my group (2 hours travel time) and shown up with no presentation and nothing to show for the work I'd done. In hindsight, I could have done that, and myabe they would have hated me, or thought that I didn't do my work, but at least I'd be there with them.

But I wasn't. I went ahead and redid everything I'd done so the group could have the presentation with them in time for class. In my logic, I just wanted THEM to be alright and prepared even though I'd probably fail because I wasn't there. but my conscience was in the presentation itself. So... I redid it, and it still wouldn't send. I transferred to higher speed internet but still nothing. I texted/emailed my professor explaining that my group might have technical difficulties and it was because of ME, not THEM. MEEE. I wanted that clear.But I still couldn't send the presentation. So my groupmates had nothing.

And apparently the professor wasted no time in getting furious at them. Because of ME. And my groupmates messaged me, a particular one I'd been friendly with, went ahead and told me how unprofessional I was and how I've done this before in another class (I don't recall how or why..) and that I am just always full of excuses and that I just keep ruining an already tainted reputation, etc. And basically I ended up crying because it felt so bad to hear it from someone. 

I've already got a bad enough sense of self esteem, so hearing it from someone straight out... wow... So do I really a bad reputation? Was it a reputation that only picked up in my "dark days" with someone, or was it mine entirely?? Have I been making things hard for others while I thought I was helping them?? I admit (in my dark days) I barely had any attention for classes because I was so distracted, but this time, I can't help but feel so sad at where my 'reputation' has ended up.

Even if I told the reason (this has happened so many times. Really. Technical difficulties. All the freaking time. Even if I plan ahead. It just happens.) no one would want to be groupmates with me. I'll just end up being alone as always. Already I feel lost, like I don't know anyone from my year anymore. Like I have some sort of leprosy that everyone jsut ignores politely but doesn't entertain.

How do I make up for it??? How do I tell people that I failed my classes because I didn't know what the hell was going on at the time. How do I tell them that I do my best to keep notes and attend class? How do I tell them that I've missed major exams because I got stuck in traffic? How do I tell them that I feel like the stupidest person when talk turns to math or physics??? How do I tell them that I already feel so damn useless and unreliable?

How do I tell them that when I'm in a group, I don't PURPOSEFULLY will soemthing wrong to happen. Coz when I think about that whole 'rep' thing, I jsut feel so shameful that I don't have a face to show for anymore.

After days of no sleep... I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. It doesn't even scare me that I say that with such conviction because I mean it. My life right now is not what I had planned. Where I am now is somewhere I promised myself I'd never be. I hate who I've become. I want it all to end. Just like that. No regrets, because I don't have much to lose.

I have literally dishonored my family consistently by being where I am now. Who wants a failing kid? I don't even have a boyfriend, because apparently I'm worth leaving twice. I don't have close friends I can tell this to because I've grown so apart from them and of course they'd be iffy about hanging around with someone whose life has lost its direction.

I'm not whining about how my life sucks. I'm whining about how stupid I've been that I ended up this way. It's like I never got anything that I had planned. I remember telling myself how college would be great, with good grades and good friends and good memories. Now college was basically the worst part of my life so far, and it is shaping me in ways that make people think I'm THIS. Like I've always been like THIS.

No one can trust me anymore. I can't even trust myself.

I just want it all to end with one blink. So easy to do it too. Just one second. No more of this. Just nothingness.