Wednesday, 07 March 2012

• Right now I really deserve to be hated.

  The last few days, I underwent a weird on-off relationship with stress. I had (and still have) a lot to do for my classes, much work to keep up on and basically all the stress that goes with having less than a month left to make the grade.

  And I'm so afraid that I won't. Again.

  I barely recognize myself anymore. I used to like studying and being proud of my grades. Why can't I seem to go back to that? I go to class, I take notes, I listen to what the professor says, but at the end of the day, I can't remember half of what I heard or wrote, I can't remember any important dates mentioned, and I can't seem to be on top of things like I used to. I'm always buried under something! And I can't seem to get rid of it even though I know it's in my power.

  Because I feel like I'm powerless.

  I am a former perfectionist apple polisher honor student. Yeah, that's what I used to be. I was in math competitions, and I enjoyed it. Fast forward to now. I am a college student on the brink of constant failure, surrounded by people who "took it easy" but are now being successful while she struggles to maintain a passing grade and not lose her scholarship that has her on probation. Because she has failed math. Like three times. And physics. Three times. The math genius, unable to pass her math classes. The irony.

  My ten year old self would have thought I was crazy if I told her I'd failed so many times already. The shame.

  I am so ashamed. And no matter how much I try, I just end up burying myself deeper, so deep that I can't breathe from all the weight I've given myself and I just want to die.

   

  Today was my limit. I spent all night working on a group project that I just had to put together for an oral presentation the next day (today). When I was done, I emailed it to my groupmates to make sure they had a copy, because most of my mail never reaches the intended (and people assume that I lie about that too, which I forgive them for but still hurts). Lo an behold, it wouldn't attach, and when I tried opening the file, it was corrupted. So all my hardwork gone just like that.

  I could have left to meet my group (2 hours travel time) and shown up with no presentation and nothing to show for the work I'd done. In hindsight, I could have done that, and myabe they would have hated me, or thought that I didn't do my work, but at least I'd be there with them.

   

  But I wasn't. I went ahead and redid everything I'd done so the group could have the presentation with them in time for class. In my logic, I just wanted THEM to be alright and prepared even though I'd probably fail because I wasn't there. but my conscience was in the presentation itself. So... I redid it, and it still wouldn't send. I transferred to higher speed internet but still nothing. I texted/emailed my professor explaining that my group might have technical difficulties and it was because of ME, not THEM. MEEE. I wanted that clear.But I still couldn't send the presentation. So my groupmates had nothing.

  And apparently the professor wasted no time in getting furious at them. Because of ME. And my groupmates messaged me, a particular one I'd been friendly with, went ahead and told me how unprofessional I was and how I've done this before in another class (I don't recall how or why..) and that I am just always full of excuses and that I just keep ruining an already tainted reputation, etc. And basically I ended up crying because it felt so bad to hear it from someone. 

  I've already got a bad enough sense of self esteem, so hearing it from someone straight out... wow... So do I really a bad reputation? Was it a reputation that only picked up in my "dark days" with someone, or was it mine entirely?? Have I been making things hard for others while I thought I was helping them?? I admit (in my dark days) I barely had any attention for classes because I was so distracted, but this time, I can't help but feel so sad at where my 'reputation' has ended up.

  Even if I told the reason (this has happened so many times. Really. Technical difficulties. All the freaking time. Even if I plan ahead. It just happens.) no one would want to be groupmates with me. I'll just end up being alone as always. Already I feel lost, like I don't know anyone from my year anymore. Like I have some sort of leprosy that everyone jsut ignores politely but doesn't entertain.

  How do I make up for it??? How do I tell people that I failed my classes because I didn't know what the hell was going on at the time. How do I tell them that I do my best to keep notes and attend class? How do I tell them that I've missed major exams because I got stuck in traffic? How do I tell them that I feel like the stupidest person when talk turns to math or physics??? How do I tell them that I already feel so damn useless and unreliable?

   

  How do I tell them that when I'm in a group, I don't PURPOSEFULLY will soemthing wrong to happen. Coz when I think about that whole 'rep' thing, I jsut feel so shameful that I don't have a face to show for anymore.

  After days of no sleep... I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. It doesn't even scare me that I say that with such conviction because I mean it. My life right now is not what I had planned. Where I am now is somewhere I promised myself I'd never be. I hate who I've become. I want it all to end. Just like that. No regrets, because I don't have much to lose.

  I have literally dishonored my family consistently by being where I am now. Who wants a failing kid? I don't even have a boyfriend, because apparently I'm worth leaving twice. I don't have close friends I can tell this to because I've grown so apart from them and of course they'd be iffy about hanging around with someone whose life has lost its direction.

  I'm not whining about how my life sucks. I'm whining about how stupid I've been that I ended up this way. It's like I never got anything that I had planned. I remember telling myself how college would be great, with good grades and good friends and good memories. Now college was basically the worst part of my life so far, and it is shaping me in ways that make people think I'm THIS. Like I've always been like THIS.

   

  No one can trust me anymore. I can't even trust myself.

   

  I just want it all to end with one blink. So easy to do it too. Just one second. No more of this. Just nothingness.

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